Fitting in versus Belonging: How to maintain your identity amidst the search.

Knowing who we are plays a critical role in how we think, feel and operate in our daily lives. At some point the question of "who am I?" is asked by almost everyone through self-introspection, as there's an intrinsic desire to understand who we are and our relationship with this vast and inexplicable world. I definitely found myself asking this question numerous times throughout my journey in the last couple of years. Since deciding to study abroad, I struggled quite a bit with navigating my way through this different and unfamiliar way of life, after being immersed in a culture and society that was drastically different from what I was comfortable with and use to. I have come to the realization that without knowing our personal identity and sense of self, we are much like a ship cut loose from its anchor... rudderless on the ocean and drifting aimlessly.

With that being said, I'll be giving you a run down of my experience and struggle with self-identity as it relates to my studies abroad. I'll be sharing with you guys the difficulty I experienced in being a Christian in university, as I started this journey away from my friends, family, my church home and everything that made me feel like...well ME. Essentially, I went on a journey of self-discovery that I didn't even know I was on until this very moment. I will also be including snippets of an interview that I conducted with another Blogger (Zhara Henry, https://theonlychildlife.wordpress.com/), where she shared her personal experience of being a Christian in university and sticking to her sense of self. So guess what, you guys will be getting two different perspectives in addition to a few beneficial and helpful tips. However, it must be noted that this post is applicable whether you're currently studying abroad or not, as well as if you're a Christian or not, as the basis will be about maintaining your personal identity in a space where almost everyone is on the hunt for theirs. As you read, I hope that you're able to gain some insight and inspiration from my experience. So, lets get into it!

Historically, the university or college experience has been portrayed as the 'best time of our lives' which allows for a fresh start in addition to providing a life-changing opportunity. It may be said that the university period marks the beginning of a new era, which tends to involve settling into an unfamiliar space, engaging in new activities as well as gaining new friends while earning your university degree. Not only this, but this new and foreign environment often allows for personal growth, self-awareness and self-exploration, which is certainly expected and healthy. However, what is often overlooked are the struggles which accompany this new journey, especially as it concerns staying true to oneself and maintaining your identity, while simultaneously trying to 'fit in' and making

the most of this so-called 'college experience'. Without a doubt, my idea of university life was misconstrued. I found that there was this false reality of what university should be like and if that wasn't your experience then you weren't really 'living out your 20's' or 'living your best life'. Personally, for majority of my undergraduate degree I struggled with staying true to myself and basically maintaining my identity amidst everyone's search for it. I began to lose sight of what I deemed as being important, in the name of fitting in, not being the odd one out and being accepted. The pressure to 'fit in' exists in our friendships, lectures, relationships and even the media, as we are constantly bombarded with the idea that "if we're not living a certain kind of life then are we really living?"

“When we ‘fit in’ as opposed to ‘belong,’ we acclimate to the situation instead of standing for our authentic self"- Brené Brown

Ergo, I will be recounting my complex yet life altering journey to self-discovery and self-awareness.

While growing up, I guess you could say I attended church very regularly (well...basically every single Sunday) and I was also very involved in church activities. However, when I decided to study in a completely different country, I was jolted with the reality of having to make sense of who I really was. I was now placed in an environment where I had to figure out the real reason why I decided to live my life in this manner and why I believed in what I did. Don't get me wrong, I was not forced to make this decision though I grew up in a Christian household, I freely did so and I don't regret it. However, ever since embarking on this journey, I was now outside of that space of comfort where having a faith and being a Christian was the norm, in addition to the fact that everyone in my family were Christians and majority of my friends were also Christians. Hence, leaving that kind of atmosphere and entering a space where I was surrounded by a lot of persons who were not necessarily faith-based or simply lived different lives, was quite challenging... to say the least. I found it increasingly difficult to manoeuvre and understand how to maintain my identity while surrounded by individuals that operated their lives in a different way.

When I arrived here, I found that there was a less active Christian community and this was what I observed and experienced, especially on campus. I struggled with this encounter because I came from a society where my faith and belief system was so engrained in my culture and daily life. Initially, I felt the need to hide parts of myself though I wasn’t necessarily forced to. This was so, because I grappled with this internal tug of war between retaining my sense of self and getting involved with certain group of friends and attending particular events. Essentially, there was this internal struggle of… “should I just go, maybe it wont be as bad as I'm making it out to be or maybe I should just go to this event for the university experience”. Guys, in those moments I felt as though I was losing a small piece of myself each time and maybe trying to 'fit in' a little bit too much. The thing about being a Christian is that you are supposed to be set apart and its hard to be set apart when it’s the unpopular idea and you’re going to be alone. Initially, I found that to be quite difficult because I had already left my friends, family and culture behind. I was now in this position where I had to decide whether to go with the flow or stay true to who I was even if that meant tackling this new journey... solo.

“Those who have the deepest sense of true belonging are people who also have the courage to stand alone when called to do that”- Brené Brown

When you’re placed in that kind of atmosphere, you start to bargain with yourself and wonder whether it is better to stay true to who you are or to sacrifice your identity in order to 'fit in', make friends or to fulfill this fallacious idea that the university lifestyle is about “having fun in your 20’s” and doing what you weren’t able to do before you went to university.

It took some time, but I concluded that I didn't need to be a part of this norm... and neither do you.

I had to figure out who I was, what I was about and what kind of life I wanted to live. After assessing these three factors, I was then able to conclude that it all came down to one thing... and that was having a personal relationship with God. Guys, I'm sure you're thinking yea…you've heard that before and what does that really have to do with anything? Firstly, it would be like any other friendship or relationship you'd have... where you'd speak to that person frequently, check in and be open and vulnerable about what is happening in your life. That's all. Secondly, though it was a long and unpredictable journey to get to this point, I had to understand one thing... that when I had that open line of communication with God, I was then able to have a connection with Him and that connection then allowed me to understand who I was in Him, and understanding who I was in Him then allowed me to understand who I was and my place in this journey called life (phew... that was a bit of a mouthful!). In my interview with Zhara, she said that as it related to struggles specific to university, she struggled with keeping pure and it was far beyond purity of body but more about purity of mind and soul. She stated that "the thing is, when you're on a secular campus, the masses are doing everything you stand against and it's easy to get caught up. The flesh is weak, so it's easy to want to rock to a beat that shouldn't be rocked to or get caught up in an event that doesn't make much sense". Not only this, but she stated that she had to be intentional about everything she did, as she knew her weaknesses and had to decide to be true to herself.

Guys, with that being said, I also got to the point where I decided to stay true to who I was. I couldn’t bear to reflect on this intense yet awe-inspiring journey... face myself and not be able to recognize who I was. I didn't believe that it would be worth it if I had lost who I was for the sake of friendships and the so-called ‘university experience’. It was definitely a struggle to figure out that balance between staying true to myself or going with the popular opinion and I chose the less travelled and appealing path and decided to stay true to myself. I’m not saying this to say that if you’re interested in enjoying your time in university, that that’s something completely bad because maybe someone else is able to find that balance where they are maintaining their authentic selves amidst everyone else’s search for their identity. But for me, I simply could not find that harmony.

Undoubtedly, this journey has shaped me, fostered growth and has transformed my character through various experiences, as I was placed in a position where the culture and lifestyle was different but I learnt how to maintain my sense of self and be authentic regardless. In the end, I realized that I didn't need to accept all the party invitations, Facebook invites for the club outings or the house parties. My first and second year self thought that this was the only way to understand myself and basically enjoy my university degree. But, one thing I have learnt is that there is much more to be garnered from this experience. I have unearthed my personal identity and have grown to understand who I am by staying true to who I was. The bottom line was... I was no longer trying to fit in but instead I accepted that belonging was enough. I can now say that I am at peace with my identity and what makes me...me and I am grateful that I was able to get to this point of self acceptance and awareness. I can only hope that on your current journey... you'll be able to get to this point as well.

One on One AnniciaTalks

What's my general advice to those who may be struggling with their self-identity?

1. Listen to that distant voice of your inner self and trust your gut. If you find yourself compromising and trying to ‘fit in’ a bit too much, then maybe that situation you’re currently in isn’t where you are meant to be.

2. Standing alone isn’t as daunting as it seems. Stand firm, maintain your identity and reap the benefits of your journey, even if it means you’ll be riding solo.

3. Don’t budge on the 'deal breakers'. If you’re engaging in an activity or attending an event that you’d never compromise on... then don’t. It is very likely that if you’re willing to compromise on one thing then you’ll likely compromise on many others.

What's Zhara's advice to those who may be struggling with their personal identity?

1. Be honest with yourself, and tackle the area(s) that you're struggling with head on. Be intentional about it during prayer and ask others to pray for you.

2. Develop a personal relationship with God and serve him for the right reasons. Now is your time to step out of the shadow of your parents. You no longer have to go to church because they say you have to, or have devotions because they've called you to. All these decisions are ones you can make for yourself, so now is the time to know God for yourself and create that special bond.

3. Stick close to a circle of Christian friends. There is nothing like having like-minded people around you, who can help you to pray, study the word, and join you in the struggle. Because the struggle is real, but it's worth it.

"The ultimate goal should not be about fitting in, but belonging. Remain authentic, maintain your sense of self and stay true to you... always". - Adriel A. Miller

Love & Blessings A.T. Fam