Fitting in versus Belonging: How to maintain your identity amidst the search.

Knowing who we are plays a critical role in how we think, feel and operate in our daily lives. At some point the question of "who am I?" is asked by almost everyone through self-introspection, as there's an intrinsic desire to understand who we are and our relationship with this vast and inexplicable world. I definitely found myself asking this question numerous times throughout my journey in the last couple of years. Since deciding to study abroad, I struggled quite a bit with navigating my way through this different and unfamiliar way of life, after being immersed in a culture and society that was drastically different from what I was comfortable with and use to. I have come to the realization that without knowing our personal identity and sense of self, we are much like a ship cut loose from its anchor... rudderless on the ocean and drifting aimlessly.

With that being said, I'll be giving you a run down of my experience and struggle with self-identity as it relates to my studies abroad. I'll be sharing with you guys the difficulty I experienced in being a Christian in university, as I started this journey away from my friends, family, my church home and everything that made me feel like...well ME. Essentially, I went on a journey of self-discovery that I didn't even know I was on until this very moment. I will also be including snippets of an interview that I conducted with another Blogger (Zhara Henry, https://theonlychildlife.wordpress.com/), where she shared her personal experience of being a Christian in university and sticking to her sense of self. So guess what, you guys will be getting two different perspectives in addition to a few beneficial and helpful tips. However, it must be noted that this post is applicable whether you're currently studying abroad or not, as well as if you're a Christian or not, as the basis will be about maintaining your personal identity in a space where almost everyone is on the hunt for theirs. As you read, I hope that you're able to gain some insight and inspiration from my experience. So, lets get into it!

Historically, the university or college experience has been portrayed as the 'best time of our lives' which allows for a fresh start in addition to providing a life-changing opportunity. It may be said that the university period marks the beginning of a new era, which tends to involve settling into an unfamiliar space, engaging in new activities as well as gaining new friends while earning your university degree. Not only this, but this new and foreign environment often allows for personal growth, self-awareness and self-exploration, which is certainly expected and healthy. However, what is often overlooked are the struggles which accompany this new journey, especially as it concerns staying true to oneself and maintaining your identity, while simultaneously trying to 'fit in' and making

the most of this so-called 'college experience'. Without a doubt, my idea of university life was misconstrued. I found that there was this false reality of what university should be like and if that wasn't your experience then you weren't really 'living out your 20's' or 'living your best life'. Personally, for majority of my undergraduate degree I struggled with staying true to myself and basically maintaining my identity amidst everyone's search for it. I began to lose sight of what I deemed as being important, in the name of fitting in, not being the odd one out and being accepted. The pressure to 'fit in' exists in our friendships, lectures, relationships and even the media, as we are constantly bombarded with the idea that "if we're not living a certain kind of life then are we really living?"

“When we ‘fit in’ as opposed to ‘belong,’ we acclimate to the situation instead of standing for our authentic self"- Brené Brown

Ergo, I will be recounting my complex yet life altering journey to self-discovery and self-awareness.

While growing up, I guess you could say I attended church very regularly (well...basically every single Sunday) and I was also very involved in church activities. However, when I decided to study in a completely different country, I was jolted with the reality of having to make sense of who I really was. I was now placed in an environment where I had to figure out the real reason why I decided to live my life in this manner and why I believed in what I did. Don't get me wrong, I was not forced to make this decision though I grew up in a Christian household, I freely did so and I don't regret it. However, ever since embarking on this journey, I was now outside of that space of comfort where having a faith and being a Christian was the norm, in addition to the fact that everyone in my family were Christians and majority of my friends were also Christians. Hence, leaving that kind of atmosphere and entering a space where I was surrounded by a lot of persons who were not necessarily faith-based or simply lived different lives, was quite challenging... to say the least. I found it increasingly difficult to manoeuvre and understand how to maintain my identity while surrounded by individuals that operated their lives in a different way.

When I arrived here, I found that there was a less active Christian community and this was what I observed and experienced, especially on campus. I struggled with this encounter because I came from a society where my faith and belief system was so engrained in my culture and daily life. Initially, I felt the need to hide parts of myself though I wasn’t necessarily forced to. This was so, because I grappled with this internal tug of war between retaining my sense of self and getting involved with certain group of friends and attending particular events. Essentially, there was this internal struggle of… “should I just go, maybe it wont be as bad as I'm making it out to be or maybe I should just go to this event for the university experience”. Guys, in those moments I felt as though I was losing a small piece of myself each time and maybe trying to 'fit in' a little bit too much. The thing about being a Christian is that you are supposed to be set apart and its hard to be set apart when it’s the unpopular idea and you’re going to be alone. Initially, I found that to be quite difficult because I had already left my friends, family and culture behind. I was now in this position where I had to decide whether to go with the flow or stay true to who I was even if that meant tackling this new journey... solo.

“Those who have the deepest sense of true belonging are people who also have the courage to stand alone when called to do that”- Brené Brown

When you’re placed in that kind of atmosphere, you start to bargain with yourself and wonder whether it is better to stay true to who you are or to sacrifice your identity in order to 'fit in', make friends or to fulfill this fallacious idea that the university lifestyle is about “having fun in your 20’s” and doing what you weren’t able to do before you went to university.

It took some time, but I concluded that I didn't need to be a part of this norm... and neither do you.

I had to figure out who I was, what I was about and what kind of life I wanted to live. After assessing these three factors, I was then able to conclude that it all came down to one thing... and that was having a personal relationship with God. Guys, I'm sure you're thinking yea…you've heard that before and what does that really have to do with anything? Firstly, it would be like any other friendship or relationship you'd have... where you'd speak to that person frequently, check in and be open and vulnerable about what is happening in your life. That's all. Secondly, though it was a long and unpredictable journey to get to this point, I had to understand one thing... that when I had that open line of communication with God, I was then able to have a connection with Him and that connection then allowed me to understand who I was in Him, and understanding who I was in Him then allowed me to understand who I was and my place in this journey called life (phew... that was a bit of a mouthful!). In my interview with Zhara, she said that as it related to struggles specific to university, she struggled with keeping pure and it was far beyond purity of body but more about purity of mind and soul. She stated that "the thing is, when you're on a secular campus, the masses are doing everything you stand against and it's easy to get caught up. The flesh is weak, so it's easy to want to rock to a beat that shouldn't be rocked to or get caught up in an event that doesn't make much sense". Not only this, but she stated that she had to be intentional about everything she did, as she knew her weaknesses and had to decide to be true to herself.

Guys, with that being said, I also got to the point where I decided to stay true to who I was. I couldn’t bear to reflect on this intense yet awe-inspiring journey... face myself and not be able to recognize who I was. I didn't believe that it would be worth it if I had lost who I was for the sake of friendships and the so-called ‘university experience’. It was definitely a struggle to figure out that balance between staying true to myself or going with the popular opinion and I chose the less travelled and appealing path and decided to stay true to myself. I’m not saying this to say that if you’re interested in enjoying your time in university, that that’s something completely bad because maybe someone else is able to find that balance where they are maintaining their authentic selves amidst everyone else’s search for their identity. But for me, I simply could not find that harmony.

Undoubtedly, this journey has shaped me, fostered growth and has transformed my character through various experiences, as I was placed in a position where the culture and lifestyle was different but I learnt how to maintain my sense of self and be authentic regardless. In the end, I realized that I didn't need to accept all the party invitations, Facebook invites for the club outings or the house parties. My first and second year self thought that this was the only way to understand myself and basically enjoy my university degree. But, one thing I have learnt is that there is much more to be garnered from this experience. I have unearthed my personal identity and have grown to understand who I am by staying true to who I was. The bottom line was... I was no longer trying to fit in but instead I accepted that belonging was enough. I can now say that I am at peace with my identity and what makes me...me and I am grateful that I was able to get to this point of self acceptance and awareness. I can only hope that on your current journey... you'll be able to get to this point as well.

One on One AnniciaTalks

What's my general advice to those who may be struggling with their self-identity?

1. Listen to that distant voice of your inner self and trust your gut. If you find yourself compromising and trying to ‘fit in’ a bit too much, then maybe that situation you’re currently in isn’t where you are meant to be.

2. Standing alone isn’t as daunting as it seems. Stand firm, maintain your identity and reap the benefits of your journey, even if it means you’ll be riding solo.

3. Don’t budge on the 'deal breakers'. If you’re engaging in an activity or attending an event that you’d never compromise on... then don’t. It is very likely that if you’re willing to compromise on one thing then you’ll likely compromise on many others.

What's Zhara's advice to those who may be struggling with their personal identity?

1. Be honest with yourself, and tackle the area(s) that you're struggling with head on. Be intentional about it during prayer and ask others to pray for you.

2. Develop a personal relationship with God and serve him for the right reasons. Now is your time to step out of the shadow of your parents. You no longer have to go to church because they say you have to, or have devotions because they've called you to. All these decisions are ones you can make for yourself, so now is the time to know God for yourself and create that special bond.

3. Stick close to a circle of Christian friends. There is nothing like having like-minded people around you, who can help you to pray, study the word, and join you in the struggle. Because the struggle is real, but it's worth it.

"The ultimate goal should not be about fitting in, but belonging. Remain authentic, maintain your sense of self and stay true to you... always". - Adriel A. Miller

Love & Blessings A.T. Fam

Studying Abroad Ain't No Joke: What you should know before you go.

Studying in another country can definitely be a great opportunity but it can also be quite nerve wracking as it comes with various challenges. Undoubtedly, it allows you to have a change of scenery in addition to a different experience while at the same time fostering the possibility of personal growth (whether educationally, financially or emotionally). However, absolutely no one can prepare you for the challenges that will come with that life changing decision you'll make. Ever since I decided to make this journey to study in Canada, I've been getting a lot of questions about my studies such as, what did the process entail? what is it like? is it really as good as people say it is? or the most frequently asked question... would you recommend it to anyone? … and I'll be answering them all.

The thing a lot of people don't tell you, is the truth! Most times when you see photos of the great cafes, parks, new food, and friends that persons post on social media, you immediately think "wow, I wish I could have done that" but the images that are posted on these platforms don't necessarily reflect reality or the actual day-to-day experiences.

The power of perception is a heck of a thing, sometimes it is unintentional but for the most part people tend to post their 'best selves'.

Wait, don't get me wrong... of course there are times when it's really as good as the picture depicts and in fact they are enjoying every moment of it. But, what we don't show you or tell you about are the moments when we're homesick and missing that home cooked meal or when it's Christmas and everyone else may be posting their families back home, while the only thing we have to show during this time is an empty apartment or dorm room. Additionally, there are other instances where we might simply be fed up with 30 inches of snow and no sunlight! But, I'm going to break down a few things for you guys and give you a better idea of what it is really like. However, it must be noted that this is my personal experience and it differs for everyone but I think that almost every international student can relate to even one of the points I'm about to discuss, or hopefully this post will be beneficial for persons who may be thinking about studying abroad… so lets get into it!

I'm going to be completely honest, coming here wasn't entirely planned. Ya sure, I thought about studying law in Canada and making this decision to go somewhere I had never been before, but it was a distant thought and everything was pretty last minute... rushed even. Initially, I had applied to the University of the West Indies (Mona Campus) to do a bachelor of laws and I was accepted, but that still wasn't enough for me and at that time I couldn't understand why I felt this inherent desire or urge to push beyond what I was comfortable with and just explore, but here I am! Guys, all I can say is that this move or journey was entirely faith based and now I know for a fact that God ordained it. I am going to be transparent with you guys, it legit took me about two years to realize and accept that God had placed me on this path for a reason. I constantly second guessed God and what he had planned for me and everyday I regretted this decision that I had made, but I am now able to see what God was and is doing and be at peace with it.

I am definitely grateful.

I've always viewed myself as being a very driven and independent person and I think that's what actually contributed to me being able to make this happen. I won't be going into details right now in explaining the entire process in choosing a Canadian university and the whole works (I'll be doing a separate post with everything you'd need to know) but I'll definitely be sharing my overall experience thus far.

So, I'm going to explain a few things based on a post which was written by Andrea Bouchaud where she explains the "W-effect" which consists of five predicted transition stages in studying abroad.

Stage 1: The Peak Stage

She describes this stage as the point where you've just landed in an "exotic" place/country and you are absolutely excited to take photos, walk around and check out what your new space has to offer. I definitely remember this like it was yesterday (although it has been almost 3 years). I had these high expectations for a life-changing college experience (meeting new people, trying new food, being involved in EVERY on/off campus activity) although my experience took a 180 from the initial expectations I had. In my first year at STU, I tried to be as involved as I could even though it was emotionally exhausting for me, as too much social interaction drains me and I kind of need to recharge for round two. But, the expectations I had about university life and doing everything I could to enjoy every minute of it... came to an abrupt stop when the second stage of the 'W' had hit. Note: The peak stage is the first elevated point of the letter 'W'.

First-Year (St.Thomas University)

Stage 2: Home Sickness

This stage focuses on when the 'tourist high' has worn off and you're longing for home, your family and familiarity.

Can somebody say CULTURE SHOCK!?

Before getting here I thought I was completely prepared, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to encounter. It was going to be my first time away from my family and initially I was pretty fine (especially since it would allow for greater independence) but I regretted that the moment I handed over my one way ticket to a new place that I had never even been before and much less heard a lot about. Y'all, believe me when I tell you that everything was different, and I mean...the climate, food, and honestly just the overall culture. I felt like a 'fish out of water' and I still do... but I held it together. This stage marks the first low point of the letter 'W'.

Stage 3: Increased familiarity with your environment

This stage focuses on a growing appreciation for your situation, as there is an increased sense of belonging and understanding of the culture you're now in. I distinctly remember this moment. After a couple snow storms, -30 degree weather and a few poutines later... I started to appreciate the journey I was on and the culture I was now immersed in. This was still difficult because I was completely removed from the 'norm' and environment I was use to. However, when I began to appreciate my situation or experience for what it was, it honestly made each day a little bit easier. This stage represents the second high point of the letter 'W'.

Third-Year (St. Thomas University)

Stage 4: Returning back home

The 'returning back home' stage looks at the moment when you leave your host country (for me it is Canada) and decide to return to your home country (Jamaica) for a visit. Essentially, returning to your home country may seem "foreign" considering you've been gone for a couple of months or years. This is definitely true. Although I visited home the following summer... a lot seemed quite different because it was the first time I had left home for this long (even though it was just a couple months).

I felt like a tourist in my own country

It's weird how just being gone for a couple months kind of makes you feel 'alienated' or deracinated. Let me explain. While you're studying in your host country (i.e. Barbados, Canada or the United States etc.) you don't necessarily feel completely at home. Similarly, when you return home, you still don't feel completely comfortable or at home because you have missed out on so many important things (i.e. Christmases, New Year Events and Birthdays). This stage is characterized as being the second low point of the letter 'W'.

Stage 5: Getting Reacquainted

This is the fifth and final stage. It is also the final elevated point of the letter 'W'. This stage involves becoming reacquainted with family, friends as well as your culture. This stage does not necessarily occur at the end, but it may happen throughout your studies abroad. It is important to note that each stage may occur in the order mentioned above, or it may not. Additionally, you may experience only one of these stages or none at all. Throughout my studies abroad, I experienced each stage. There was no certainty or clarity in regards to how long each stage would last or when it would happen either.

One on One AnniciaTalks

Would you recommend it to anyone?

This might be the question I get asked most frequently and the answer to that is.. change isn't for everyone and this journey isn't for everyone either. Throughout this journey I've learnt so much about myself and about who I really am. Without this process and real-life experiences, which I essentially took on by myself... I wouldn't be who I am today nor would I have been afforded these opportunities. But, often times... it is a very lonely journey and that's the truth. Keep in mind, you're leaving behind your friends, family, home and everything you've ever grown to know, love and appreciate. I wasn't prepared for that but I grew to be okay with it. Hence, that's a key factor to keep in mind as you make your plans to study abroad.

What's my advice to you?

1. Start planning as early as possible. It is way better to be prepared instead of everything being rushed at the last minute and you become overwhelmed with visa preparations, flight plans, etc. Additionally, it should be noted that scholarship deadlines tend to close pretty early in the year and it would be awful to miss out on such a great opportunity (take it from me as I had first hand experience).

2. Ensure that the university you select aligns with your personality, values and is essentially the right fit for you. I can't stress this enough.

3. The biggest mistake you could possibly make… is second guessing your decision. If you've decided to take that step and make the journey... then DO IT! Uncertainty and indecisiveness can impact your ability to make the greatest and most life changing decision ever.

4. Remain grounded by constantly reminding yourself of 'who you are and what you're about'. This will become important especially as you go through one of or each of the aforementioned stages. Whenever you become immersed in another culture it is easy to lose parts of yourself, thus, my advice to you is the corny line "stay true to yourself".

"Your biggest critic and blockade can be yourself, don't allow it to stop the great things you can achieve and become." - Adriel A. Miller

Love & Blessings A.T. Fam